Trick-Or-Treat Halloween Candy, Ranked

Jerry Seinfeld puts it best, the only clear objective for the first 10 years of your life is to "get candy". 

"So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween, you can't process it. What did you say? Who's giving out candy? EVERYONE THAT WE KNOW IS JUST GIVING OUT CANDY. What!? When is this happening? Take me with you! I'll do anything you want... I can wear that." - Jerry Seinfeld

Halloween. The night of a realized childhood dream; every house has candy and it's waiting for me. 

Now, the sugar crash days are over and you're probably not dressing up as the StayPuft Marshmallow Man this year. So tonight, when you're rifling through your kids candy buckets after they go to bed, use this handy cheat sheet to discover what you should take and what you should leave behind. Call it the "Parent's Halloween Tax". We are proud (and slightly ashamed) to present the official Ivor Andrew Best and Worst Trick-or-Treat Halloween candy. Enjoy!


5. Snickers

Keith: Three Musketeers is better.

Steph: Keith, I just threw up in my mouth.

4. Fun Dip

Doug: Flavored sugar in a container should win all of Halloween.

3. Kit Kat

2. Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

1. Twix

Liz: Now the big question is, left or right Twix??

Steph: You just love drama don't you.


6. Necco Wafers

Susan: Hands down. The worst. Candy. EVER!

Doug: "I have an idea–let's make chalk into coins and tell kids to eat them!"

T-4. Fireballs & Jaw Breakers

3. Mellowcreme Pumpkins

2. Tootsie Roll

Liz: Not chocolate. Tootsie pops too for that matter.

1. Candy Corn

Doug: Gack. I think I just threw up a little.

(Susan voted this her #1 Best Candy)

Steph: I regret inviting you to participate in this discussion, Susan.

Susan: ...said just about everyone ever.

Luke: I think my opinions are well documented on the matter. (DEAR PEOPLE WHO LOVE CANDY CORN | MEDIUM.COM)

Brian: My mom handed out pencils one year. Does that count as the worst?

Steph: That must have been really embarrassing for you, Brian. I love it.

Doug: Pencils, pennies, toothbrushes... all deserve a house egging.

dishonorable mentions

We can't end this without noting the seriously odd "candy" that we have received Trick or Treating over the course of our lives, including:

  • Ice cubes
  • A toothbrush
  • Fruit
  • Five pennies taped together

Finally, our team gave continued praise to the full-size candy bar houses from our old trick or treating days. They are legends in the community and will be cherished by neighborhood children for years to come. Do yourself a favor. Go buy some full size candy bars on the way home and be a hero this Halloween. Enjoy your night.